Ball of Love - The Results

Last week, I chronicled my need for a new NBA team to follow now that I'm living in the NBA abyss of Chattanooga, TN. Inspired by Bret Michaels, I looked for love. I put my heart out there, made myself vulnerable and learned a little bit about life and love.

Okay, not really.

I did, however, go through the motions of breaking down the teams, fans, uniforms, coaches and my own internal tugs in order to pick my new favorite NBA team. The results are, to say the least, underwhelming.

But don't stop reading! Indulge me.

Last time, I narrowed things down to the following eight teams:

Atlanta Hawks
Boston Celtics
Chicago Bulls
Detroit Pistons
Golden State Warriors
Houston Rockets
Memphis Grizzlies
Phoenix Suns

If I'm going to jump onto a bandwagon, it isn't going to be one that is falling off a cliff. Golden State & Chicago - slow starts and the lack of geographic loyalty have doomed thee. You are eliminated.

Down to six - the anticipation is killing you, isn't it? You could scroll down and find the results...tempting, huh? I'm busting out the big guns to keep you from doing that - bad jokes.

What do Tracy McGrady and Michael Spinks have in common?

Can't make it out of the first round.

Another elimination - Boston Celtics. If I'm going to jump onto a bandwagon, it has to have some room for me. This one doesn't. Too much, too soon. Plus, I have never forgiven the Celtics for leaving the Boston Garden. I know the economics and such of it, but the Fleet Center or whatever corporation controls the name today is a lame building. Finally, my imaginary feud with Bill Simmons prevents me from sharing the same team with him. Boston - out.

Bad joke #2: What is black and white and bores the hell out of me?

The San Antonio Spurs.

Detriot - gone. I usually pull for Detriot because I like a bunch of their players, but they are not going to be my favorite team. They are like a chicken sandwich - I'll usually happily eat it, but I never crave it. The Pistons ain't firing for me.

Down to four. The Final Four. The Fantastic Four. The Four Horsemen. 4.

Houston, we have a problem and it is that you are not my favorite team. Like the Pistons, I'll pull for them in most cases, but with no passion. T-Mac is fun to watch at times, but his back isn't going to hold up much longer and Yao is the most frustrating player to watch in the league. GET A REBOUND! I already miss Jeff Van Gundy (though he is a damn fine color man on TV) and am morally against rooting for Bonzi Wells. Houston, goodbye.

Atlanta, Memphis & Phoenix - one of these teams is not like the other...

Here is my Phoenix dilemma - do I actually like them or do I just like Steve Nash? What happens if he leaves? I cannot get excited about Amare and really can't get excited about Shawn "Me" Marion. Marrying the Suns is like marrying a woman because of her breasts - they look great now, but someday they will sag and wrinkle. Will I still love her when the boobs aren't so luscious? I don't think so - Phoenix will be my team for the moment, but not the long haul.

Atlanta and Memphis - what have I done? Can we start over? How did I end up with these two skanks? Atlanta is perpetually awful and Memphis might be moving soon. You know, this really is like one of those finding-love-elimination-shows because you know the whole time that nobody is actually finding love. I don't think that I have found love either. I'm stuck with one team that has no personality and one team that has no stability.

To hell with it - I'm throwing the biggest curveball since Flavor Flav brought New York back in Season Two. Nash! Get your white Canadian butt back here - you and the Phoenix Suns are my team! The fast-paced, innovative style! The complete lack of defense! The angry coach! The Brazilian Blur! The French...Diaw! Tom Chambers! I'm in love! I am over-using exclamation points! And I don't care!

The sun has set on this self-indulgent series and I am a Sun. My new colors are purple and orange...wait, those are bad colors. And didn't they trade Kurt Thomas for nothing this off-season? Shawn Marion! I'm now pulling for Shawn Marion!

What have I done?